I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
