just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Less talking, more tequila
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
