If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
