I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
