grandma shit on top of the toilet
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
