Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
