I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
