and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
