WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
