Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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