I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
