You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
