Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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