he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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