I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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