I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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