Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
