weddingsv make me drug and hornr
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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