Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
