please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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