my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Boobs are out for the taking
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
