Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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