he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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