I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
