dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
