Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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