the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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