I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
