Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
