drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
