I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
