I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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