I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
