I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
