im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
please come you make the beer taste better
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
