A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
