Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
