not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
