I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
