Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
