Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
