all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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