You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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