wanna go halves on a baby?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
