i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is the high leading the old right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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