Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
