can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
