I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
