On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
