you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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