Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
